Love Dare: Day 18

This took a lot longer to pull off than I planned. I originally decided what I wanted to cook almost 3 months ago now, and bought it two months ago. But before I start in on the details, here is the love dare itself:

Love Seeks to Understand

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

I ended up deciding to move ahead with the dinner despite my lack of a plan to reduce the number of children in the house. Courtney had mentioned several times recently that she missed me doing the love dares. I wasn't about to skip one, so I set a date and started making plans.

Step one was to feed the kids beforehand, something easy and hopefully filling enough to get them into the basement or their bedrooms for several hours. Hot dogs and salad worked well, even if corralling them in a remote location didn't. Josh and Ashley are more than old enough to know when to keep themselves occupied. However Austin had other ideas, though I think that only a couple of interruptions in two hours is pretty good for a three year old. Bella is a puppy, and behaved that way. Though I think our floors remained unsoiled for the duration of dinner.

Getting things together for our dinner was not as easy, I was making Cornish Game Hen for the first time and my Mom hadn't made it in so long she didn't have any pointers. The internet came to the rescue and provided me with a recipe that sounded good, though some of the ingredients were hard to come by. Fennel Seeds, red pepper flakes, kosher salt, Thyme branches, and shallots all needed to be hunted down.

I had already found most of what I needed months ago, and thankfully an herb garden was part of our recent "eating healthy and cheap" initiative so the Thyme branches were not an issue. The rest of the spices were relativly easy to find once I had stared at the spice section in Kroger for awhile.

I had searched for shallots before and didn't have any luck. I was planning to go find them the day I was going to cook the dinner, but Courtney wanted to get out of the house for a bit so she decided to take up the quest. Two stores later and a small grocer telling her that they were just green onions (they aren't) we gave up and used green onions anyway.

After returning home Courtney was starving, so she ate some with the kids and I started cooking. It is a fairly straight forward recipe, I just had to adjust it to 2 birds instead of three and forget about completing the "fine herbs" portion. Just stuff the birds, make the "rub" and apply it, and cook for 75 minutes.

I made some wild rice when it was almost ready, and took the salad out of the fridge. Courtney and I spent the entire prep and cooking time talking and nibbling on what was left of the dinner for the kids. The only downside was that our nibbling whetted our appetites and we ended up not finishing our hens. Live and learn.

We had a nice candlelight dinner anyway, with relatively few interruptions. Speaking of learning, next time I start my shallot hunt long before it's time to make dinner.

Home Movies

I haven't forgotten about the blog (or the Love Dare for that matter), I just have been really busy.

I have fixed the computer in the basement, allowing my kids access to the internet and their I-pod libraries. I finished the garden in the front, and the grass seed in the back. And I have finally started to work on creating digital copies of our home movies.

The Macbook does this really well, though it isn't the fastest process at times. I need to play each video on the camera itself with a Firewire cable hooked up to get it onto the laptop. Then I need to cut, edit, format, and save the video clips into appropriate sized video files.

But after all that is done, I simply upload them to Facebook for anyone (that has access anyway) to enjoy. I'm almost done with the last 2 years of videos, more to come as time allows!

As for the Love Dare, someone needs to volunteer to watch my kids for a night. How am I supposed to cook a romantic dinner with those 3 around? (No suggestions that involve duct tape please)

Love Dare - Day 17

Love promotes Intimacy
Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

No additional notes on this one, other than to say I did the dare.

Love Dare - Day 16

Love intercedes 

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I didn't do the dare in it's original form. However that doesn't mean that I can't use the day (and the dare) for something constructive.  I do find a certain irony in asking God to do something to someone else for what you believe is their (or maybe your own) best interest.

Instead of looking to a higher power to do something for me or looking to change Courtney, I reviewed what I am working on in our relationship. 

Love Dare - Day 15

Love is honorable
Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his cloths away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

This is an easy one to do every day, you just have to pay attention. I had it easy yesterday, Courtney has been struggling to get though all of our old pictures. She was able to do the pictures books easily but with Austin around loose pictures were a nightmare to try to go through. So while she was at school and Austin was being occupied by his siblings in the basement I dove into the pile of photos. It took about two hours to go though the hundreds of photos and toss out duplicates, file them in some vague semblance of chronological order, and put them all into a large tub for safe keeping.

Courtney is happy, the photos are safe from our rampaging toddler, and I get the chase back in the living room.

Love Dare - Day 14

Love takes delight
Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she wold love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together.

I make a habit out of this now, to spend more time with Courtney by not doing some of the things that I normally waste time on. Usually it is skipping T.V. shows, but sometimes I don't write or I see what she wants to do instead of getting the umpteen millionth home project completed. (It's not like the list ever gets finished anyway).

Love Dare - Day 13

Love fights fair

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, the write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Courtney and I did this over the weekend, on the front porch while enjoying a softball game across the street. We had already talked about "off limit" comments during arguments before, but it never hurts to go over them again and to see if there is anything new that either of us thinks should be off limits when we are upset with each other. 

Love Dare - Day 12

Love lets the other win
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Courtney and I have been working on compromise for awhile now, we both have things we think should be done our way and both of us can be rather stubborn individuals. This isn't always a bad thing, but not listening while being stubborn isn't that great for relationships.

In this case I won't give details on what I gave in on, but Courtney knows.

Love Dare - Day 11

Love cherishes
What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Doing things to help out is simply a part of my routine now, it was something resolved to do early on. I knew that my lack of regular assistance was something that really bothered her and so I made that one of the first things that I changed.

To make the 11th dare stand out I needed something different. The opportunity presented itself yesterday and today, though I would have preferred the opportunity being something other than Courtney getting sick. I waited on her hand and foot for the past couple of days, and let her rest as much as she let herself do so. Now to wake up early tomorrow and do the dishes...

Love Dare - Day 10

Love is Unconditional
Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. But his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

This is post is long overdue, but I have had so many other things to write about it was put on the back burner. The tenth dare was rather enjoyable, I like surprising Courtney by taking a project off her to do list. While I did do something last week, it has taken me so long to get around to this I ended up starting over.

On Tuesday while Courtney was at school I did the weeks grocery shopping, I wasn't sure I was going to when I left but the sale going on made up my mind. I knew this week would be busy, so it was one less thing Courtney needed to try to fit in.

Love Dare - Day 9

This is another step that I have already been working on. Not just greetings, but goodbyes as well. While I have already made a lot of changes, it never hurts to take another look.

Love makes good impressions 

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

I added flowers to my greeting when I got home from work, not that I can do it every day (though the florist would love me) but it was something additional to my already cheerful hello.

Love Dare - Day 8

The eight dare involves fire, right up my ally. Nothing like burning something on a cold michigan afternoon. It wasn't much fire but the pyromaniac in me enjoyed it nonetheless. It wasn't hard to burn the negative list, I have been working on being more positive and thinking about positive things. Getting rid of a list of negativity is not only easy, it is a joy.

The eighth dare is:

Love is not jealous

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a recent success he or she recently enjoyed.

Love Dare - Day 7

The seventh dare is fairly straightforward, and I found that it was easier to do without thinking about it too much. If I sat and thought about what should be on the lists I ended up either trying to balance the good and the bad or I spent far too much time thinking about what I should write.

Diving in and writing simply what came to mind worked much better, and it felt genuine when I was done.

Here is the seventh dare:

Love believes the best
For today's dare get two sheets of paper. On the first one spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Thanking Courtney was easy, I have been working on complimenting her so it is becoming second nature.

Love Dare - Day 6

I spent a lot more time on the 6th dare than I originally intended. While I have been very busy and haven't taken the time to start on the seventh dare, I also spent more than a week working on the sixth. For me this process isn't just to make it though the list, I am working to develop better habits and change the way I handle my relationship with my wife and by extension my kids and pretty much everyone else in my life.

Here is the sixth dare:

Love is not irritable

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule, then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

I think I have made some significant progress, in particular with making sure there is "free time" in my schedule. I'll keep my wrong motivations to myself, but now I keep in mind how to purge my reactions to them from my behavior and to work on confronting and resolving the issue.

Love Dare - Day 5

With the fifth dare the list starts to get a bit more specific about the particular things you will be working on in order to improve your relationship. Up to this point it has been painting with a pretty wide brush, now it starts to hone in on the specifics of what needs to be worked on.

The fifth dare requires some direct interaction with your significant other, it requires you to ask a direct question and simply accept the answer provided. The fifth dare is:

Love is not rude

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them of justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

If your spouse knows about the Love Dare, this is where you tip your hand (if you were hiding it in the first place). In my case my wife is following along with my blog on occasion and is well aware of what I am doing. That doesn't change the goal, to work on unconditional love.

I asked her for a list of things (I wasn't going to limit it to three if she had more) that drive her nuts that I do. I won't provide the list, some were very personal and some are much more mundane. I will reveal one, she hates how I load the dishwasher, seems her father taught her well.

---===Todays Dare Update===---

I failed horribly on the 6th dare today. I'll continue to work on it but my first crack at it was an abysmal failure, I make no excuses for myself. It is something I really need to work on to begin with, falling flat on my face just puts an exclamation point on that fact.

Love Dare - Day 4

I ended up putting off the fourth day until Monday as it was almost impossible to do over the weekend. Breaking into your daily routine is easy enough, the issue was that my routine was what the dare asks for! I still asked what I could help with several times over the weekend, but it really wasn't fulfilling the intention of the dare so I didn't count it as completed.

Monday was different however, not that it was easy to find a time to "break in" as Courtney and I contact each other fairly often throughout the day for one thing or another. I am lucky enough to be able to go home for lunch as well, making it that much harder find a time in my routine that truly fulfills the dare.

For the record the fourth dare is:

Love is Thoughtful
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

I ended up calling in mid-afternoon and we had a nice discussion about how her day was going. I asked if there was anything I could do for her and the answer was no. I tried again today but I had already assisted with the important task for the day, watching Austin so Courtney could take her Yoga final. Maybe I'll find something tonight (other than doing the dishes) to help her, but I feel that I understand the principle of the dare and have met it's goal.

I read the next dare this morning and it looks like the fairly simple ones are over, I am curious to see how the remainder of the day plays out and just how much I'll be willing to post tomorrow.

Love Dare - Day 3

Yesterday was about building on the previous two days by not being selfish. The reasoning used in the Dare is interesting, so I went with it even though that is not all I think of when I envision myself being selfless. But it is a lot easier to see:

Love is not selfish
Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not invested in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today".

I let Courtney know that on the way home I needed to ship a package for an item I had sold on ebay, but I also took that extra time to stop by Floribunda. I bought all of the yellow tulips that they had, they are Courtney's favorite. I rang the doorbell and waited for a more dramatic effect, she was very surprised (and pleased) when I presented them to her. Guess I'm doing something right!

Love Dare - Day 2

The second dare is a continuation of the first with the addition of acting out kindness. Acting kind is also something that I have been working on, and was much easier to do that I expected. It doesn't require grand acts, it can be done many times a day in small ways. I find it enjoyable not only to do something for the woman I love, but I also enjoy accomplishing things even if they are small in the grand scheme of things.

The second Love Dare is:

Love is kind

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

I tried to do more than I have been, I took care of the dishwasher in the morning and set it to start running shortly after everyone gets up for the day. I put away the clean dishes and organized the kitchen some. That night I made dinner for everyone (beef and pea pods over rice) and timed it for when Courtney would get back from errands so we could eat together. I waited a to make our plates few extra minutes so that we could actually sit down together, and refilled her water just before she got home so it was ice cold.

Everyone really enjoyed dinner, despite using two pounds of steak and almost three cups of rice there was only enough left for a small lunch. Everyone had two servings, so I guess I know what to put on the favorites list!

Love Dare - Day 1

After a little bit of back and forth over how I should approach it, I have decided to start on "The Love Dare". I had a few reservations due to the religious nature of the book and the preaching is very heavy in some parts, but if you can get past that the message and method is sound.

Some of the dares are very personal, so I may not post what I have done for each. But I will post the days dare, minus any overtly religious content that is supplied with it. I am also planning to skip or replace the days that say no more than "pray" or "read the Bible" as they are not directly related to my goals here.

Before each dare there are a few pages of direction and clarification about the meaning of the dare and how it pertains to a healthy relationship. If you intend to pursue "The Love Dare" yourself I recommend purchasing the book for the additional information it provides.

I started two days ago, here is the first dare:

Love is patient
The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although Love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

There isn't a lot to say about what I did and how I did it. It is something that I have been working on already as one of the basic tenants of having a better relationship. I did make sure to let Courtney know when I was happy about something she did or said, and made an extra effort to compliment her.

I'll add day 2 later today, and try to keep the updates within a few days of when I complete a dare. While the idea is to complete the 40 dares in as many days, real life often interferes. I'm not sure a real schedule applies, I'll be playing by ear.