Only a short time to live

I was fascinated today by the post at Zen Habits called "What would you do if you only had a short time to live?". The idea of trying to live in the here and now doing only what you deem truly important appeals to me. It is a great way to evaluate not only your life in general, but what you feel are the truly important things in your life. Family, friends, and if you are one of the lucky ones your job.

I decided to look at what I was doing throughout the day and ask myself, would I do this if I only had 6 months to live?

Playing with Austin was an easy yes, as was going home for lunch to spend some time with Courtney and Austin. Going to work hit a maybe on my list, I don't think that I am doing what I want to do for the rest of my life here. I like my job, but there is a "more" that I want and can't currently explain.

But I also ran into a few things that I have to do (other than just going to work) that I certainly would not do if I only had a short time to live. I needed to setup a meeting with a lawyer that I would not have bothered with if time was short. I am trying to address certain problems in my life that would be rendered almost meaningless in the short term but have profound implications long term.

So much is personal perspective, but looking though a lens of "what is important" helps define what it is you really want in life.

I'm just busy

Been a few days and still haven't found the time to write a proper blog. I have plenty of ideas too! I'll try harder tomorrow to make a proper update. For now here is a video on breathing techniques, forgive me for the voice though...

Spare Change

It is kind of amusing to see the ratio of pennies to other change once you sit down and go though your change jar. Ours has been pilfered more than a few times over the years for tolls, school lunches, and air machines at gas stations.

There are also various foreign coins in our jar from years ago when I worked retail and some Canadian from our occasion trips there. In all I found $16 in Canadian coins and bills (mostly 1 and 2 dollar coins) and 4 coins with Asian origins.

For the rest of the haul, there wasn't enough silver coinage of any one type to fill a roll with. I found a 4 dollar coins (one being an Eisenhower, he stays with me), $3.50 in quarters, about $1 in dimes, and a whole 5 nickles. This of course amuses me to no end, as I was using the coin jar to save up for "mad money" someday. That doesn't work very well when you use it for other endeavors that require spare change.

After I was done with the sorting I grabbed the rollers and started counting out the pennies. I used to check all of them for wheatbacks and older, but stopped about 3 years ago. The only one I noted in the pile was a 1945 penny, and those are common enough I didn't bother with it.

After an hour in front of the TV counting pennies I ended up with 26 rolls, a whopping $13 in pennies. I think the total does beat the amount of Canadian money after the exchange rate is taken into account, but not by much. After about a decade of tossing pennies into a jar, it is just enough to buy the family dinner (as long as you are willing to cook it yourself).

I remember it working much better in the past, but I used cash so much more then. Everything is debit and credit nowadays, hampering the change saving and no longer providing an offset for the occasions when you need an unusual amount of spare change.

Our budget is totally out of whack at the moment, and both of us think that using more cash is one way to help us mentally keep track of what we are spending better. Maybe this will be the return of the change jar, I'll keep my hopes up for a Cedar Point change trip this summer.

Beware Freecreditreport.com

There is a reason you are supposed to check your statements every month, even if you are no longer using a card and are simply paying it down.

FreeCreditReport.com is one of those reasons. I signed up with them as part of a website to receive a free copy of Rock Band (a story for another day) and canceled it shortly after. That should have been the end of the story, but my lack of attention to the card that I had put it on extended the story for an entire year.

It seems that when I canceled the service they did not do a full cancellation, they "downgraded" me to a cheaper service and it has been charged monthly to my card ever since. As I have not been using the card I have been simply paying a set amount and not checking the statement, so this has slipped by me.

I noticed the charges this morning and called them immediately, only to get connected to a remote call center that read from a script and told me that they could cancel the service but only refund me the last months payment. I asked for a manager and was sent to Experian (apparently the parent company) where I received a bit better reception but was still told that they could only refund me the last months payment.

I decided to play a bit harder ball and mentioned that I was well aware of how this occurred (the downgrade instead of the canceling) and that it amounted to fraud and that I was more than happy to contact the BBB and whoever else I needed to to try to rectify this egregious situation.

I again politely asked what I could do to receive my hard earned money back, and Erin (the Customer Rep) went to talk to her manager. Long story short, they are refunding all charges and I should see it in 7-10 days and receive a second notice of my cancellation within 24 hours.

The first lesson here is to keep track of your credit cards, even if you aren't using them. The second is to be very careful when setting up or closing down any service that has recurring charges, because some companies are not as honest as others.

Health Insurance is important

Some days are easier on the psyche than others, today was not one of the easier days. 

Courtney has been having migraines and they were so bad that she was getting visual artifacts. She was worried and made an appointment with her normal Doctor. A wise choice as they had come on suddenly, and as the actual headache pain seemed to consistently be on the left side she assumed that she had a sinus infection.

The only issue is that due to a difficult insurance company she is between policies at the moment. Her previous policy just ended (they cancelled it) and her new one doesn't start until February. This in itself isn't too big of a deal, the visit should only be $60 and and the antibiotics shouldn't be expensive either. Very affordable even if annoying to the monthly budget.

But assuming things will go as you expect them to can be dangerous. In this case, Courtney's doctor was more concerned with her elevated blood pressure once she determined that Courtney didn't have a sinus infection. The doctor is fairly sure the blood pressure and therefor the migraines are stress related, but to be sure she had a full set of blood work done and told Courtney to schedule an MRI just to be sure. Add blood pressure medication and migraine medication and suddenly that cheap doctors visit just broke the bank.

We don't know the cost of the blood work yet (we did get the results already, they came back clean) but an MRI costs an average of $3,200 at Beaumont. Hopefully a few relaxation techniques and a reduction in what she needs to worry about will help her make it until the insurance kicks in. 

It pains me to know that part of her stress is me. I shared the audio files that my Father gave me to help reduce anxiety, and she seemed open to using them to try to relax some. I have been pushing her to talk a lot, and I need to hold back some as I know that it is adding to her stress level. School isn't an insignificant factor either, but I think she has that covered. I'll be doing what I can to help her out at this point, a reminder that I can't just focus on me.

Climbing for Fun

Had a blast climbing at Planet Rock in Pontiac, MI this past weekend. To be more accurate, my eldest did the climbing and I just held the rope. But it did give me the opportunity to take a few pictures, this is the only one where he was close enough to the ground to tell who it is.

My Commandments

I started today by taking the suggestion of a blogger I newly follow and creating a list of "commandments" for myself. I liked the idea and I think it will help me focus on what it is I want to change and who I want to be.

I don't think this will be the final version, but it's a start (going with #6 right there).





1) Be true to myself
2) Don't rehearse unhappiness
3) The only person you can change is yourself
4) Be kind to others
5) Actions speak louder than words
6) Do not let Perfect be the enemy of Good
7) Do not Procrastinate
8) Let the past be the past

I have added them to the side of my blog as well, it makes it easy to review them and try to keep on track.

Gets lonely at night

I used to really enjoy the time by myself at night, after everyone had gone to bed. I could watch what I wanted, play video games, read a book, or just surf the net.

Funny how quickly things can change. Now that I have started to look at myself and why I act the way I do I can't stand to be alone. I need the comfort of another person, my wife and kids being the primary focus of my attention. I hope they are enjoying it even a fraction as much as I have been, it is long overdue and I think my previous introvert behavior is an extension of what I used to do with MMORPG's...escape.

Tonight has been a bit different as Courtney has a migraine and I need the kids to be quiet so she can try to sleep it off. I had them play in the basement as I cleaned up from dinner and handled a few requests from my now dosing wife. As I finished them off and read a gaming magazine I was surprised by how lonely I felt with no one around.

Recently I have found myself calling family members just to talk, and after reflecting on that decided to make it a daily goal to call and talk to a friend or family member. This ends up being harder than it seems as I have not made many friends during my adult life, or at least not the kind I call to talk to. I'm sure my family will notice the difference, as I usually go months between contact that they usually initiate.

Another depressing thing I have realized is that I don't have many friends. Most of the ones I do have are the familiar "work friends" that you talk to only at work and a few online friends I have come to know over the years. I still have a few friends from Everquest that I talk to on occasion, but I have fallen out of touch with most over the years. I am getting in touch with old friends from school, but no one that I would talk to about what I am going through now. I really have no close friends outside of family.

Even as I type this, I am realizing that one of the things I need to change is how I handle personal relationships. Making friends shouldn't be that difficult, as I get along well with the majority of my co-workers it should be easier for me than I seem to be making it. I need to quit retreating into myself, now to figure out how to accomplish that.

No more procrastination

I'll be the first to admit that I have been scared to take a long look in the mirror and face up to my faults. Those who know me know that procrastination is my middle name, one of the reasons that it has taken me so long to start this blog after creating it. Now that I have started, this will be a journal as much as a blog. I won't be baring it all, but I do want to share some of my journey.

I originally started this blog to make comments on current events and toss out ideas on a wide variety of things. In addition I wanted to put on "paper" how I have been feeling about my life in general and to keep track how I have been working to change the things that I am unhappy about. When I realized that the first thing that I wanted to talk about was my son Aidan's death, I buried it again instead of facing it. With a lot of help from friends and family, I have come to realize that this is how I cope with the majority of the unpleasant things in my life.

For most of my adult life I have known that burying emotions is only a temporary fix, that they resurface when you don't expect it and are often more rancid than the day they were buried. But knowing something and doing something about it turned out to be more widely separated than I thought.

Yesterday I had my first counseling session in almost 20 years, and while it's been a painful look at myself I have more hope for my future than I have had in a long time. I have decided that I want to be a different person; a happier, more caring, and more open person. I want to do this not just for me, but for my wife, my kids, and my marriage. Going to keep the first post short, and focus things a bit more next time.

I do want to take this last paragraph for Courtney, to thank her for all of the comfort, understanding, and help she has already provided. I am just starting to realize how much I have hurt her in the past, and I am humbled that she still loves me and wants to help me through this. I know that I am annoying her to death with wanting to talk all the time after not talking with her for so long, I just hope she understands why and how badly I want to change. My love has never been stronger.