I'll be the first to admit that I have been scared to take a long look in the mirror and face up to my faults. Those who know me know that procrastination is my middle name, one of the reasons that it has taken me so long to start this blog after creating it. Now that I have started, this will be a journal as much as a blog. I won't be baring it all, but I do want to share some of my journey.
I originally started this blog to make comments on current events and toss out ideas on a wide variety of things. In addition I wanted to put on "paper" how I have been feeling about my life in general and to keep track how I have been working to change the things that I am unhappy about. When I realized that the first thing that I wanted to talk about was my son Aidan's death, I buried it again instead of facing it. With a lot of help from friends and family, I have come to realize that this is how I cope with the majority of the unpleasant things in my life.
For most of my adult life I have known that burying emotions is only a temporary fix, that they resurface when you don't expect it and are often more rancid than the day they were buried. But knowing something and doing something about it turned out to be more widely separated than I thought.
Yesterday I had my first counseling session in almost 20 years, and while it's been a painful look at myself I have more hope for my future than I have had in a long time. I have decided that I want to be a different person; a happier, more caring, and more open person. I want to do this not just for me, but for my wife, my kids, and my marriage. Going to keep the first post short, and focus things a bit more next time.
I do want to take this last paragraph for Courtney, to thank her for all of the comfort, understanding, and help she has already provided. I am just starting to realize how much I have hurt her in the past, and I am humbled that she still loves me and wants to help me through this. I know that I am annoying her to death with wanting to talk all the time after not talking with her for so long, I just hope she understands why and how badly I want to change. My love has never been stronger.
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